Faith and food: self-image and restoration

I have always thought I’ve been immune to identity crises… until roundabout now. This is something I’ve been really struggling with lately, and where I’ve had to really look to Jesus for encouragement in my life. Let’s talk about it.

Lookwise, I have waxed and waned for the past 6 years. From being a “stringbean” late-bloomer at 14, to finally settling into my body at about 16. Then facing acne and braceface struggles, and constantly comparing myself to other girls. This is a common struggle for many women (and men!) where the ever so harmful narrative is pushed: “You are not good enough”.

Although physical attributes and dislikes have gotten me down, I’ve always felt okay. It always went back to not putting my identity in these things, and instead focusing on my heart and love for Jesus and the way He created me. When someone asks me, “Who is Katie-Rose, really?”, my answer remains the same. “I am a beloved child of God, someone worth dying for, made beautifully in His image.” It was only when this was really tested, did I find that this foundation was not as solid as I’d hoped.

At the end of last year, I went through some serious heartbreak. The grief rendered me unable to eat… and practically unable to get out of bed for a solid two months. In this time I lost a lot of weight. When I did eventually venture out the house, more and more people started complimenting me, telling me how I looked “so skinny!”, and I started increasingly hyper-fixating on how my body looked.

Every 2 minutes was analysing every single inch of my physical self in the mirror. I felt so out of control of all other aspects of life. The one thing that felt certain here on this earth, had now been stripped away completely. I realised I had put so much of my identity into a relationship, and without it… I felt that a piece of me was gone. So instead, I decided that how my body looked was something I could control. I would obsessively exercise to the point of complete exhaustion. Although my eating improved over the next couple of months, the way I viewed it had become unhealthy and detrimental to my physical and mental health. Add on top of that an OCD diagnosis, and everything became a mind battle of obsessive control.

Fast forward to January 2026, and what my parents had been warning me about finally became apparent. I was completely burnt out- body, mind and soul. I was severely ill and ended up being hospitilized twice over the course of April and May. I was unable to exercise, and could not keep food or drink down at all. Through all of it, God was ever so present. In the midst of it, I got into a new, beautifully loving and Jesus-centred relationship. I continued with my studies as best I could, but being unable to eat and move was more control I felt was completely stripped from me. Without it, I felt helpless. After all, this is what I was studying and where God had made it apparent that my missions field should be. So, what do I do now?

Trust and faith were tested. After many tests and many doctors, I finally got a diagnosis and treatment plan. But, I was left with an unhealthy fear of food, as well as how my body looked after being labile for so long. All my muscle tone that I had worked so hard for, was gone. My love for food and eating was replaced with a constant fear of nausea and vomiting, especially in social situations. My OCD struggle was still booming, which added to what I could only call a big fat mess.

My dislike for my body and ignorance of all it had done for me and carried me through became apparent when I heard myself talking out loud to my boyfriend. He would call me beautiful, and I would call myself… well… not. I started to really realise how horrid I was being to myself. Like it were my fault I had gotten so sick. Like I had purposefully lost all control and was completely lesser-than. God was speaking so clearly through those around me- “You are beautiful, from the heart outwards”.

I am now finding joy in eating and exercising as my body lets me, but the reflection of physical progress is slow and discouraging. My past 6 months have served as a reminder of the temporality of the outward looks. Something I thought was so easy and simple to understand. The truth was (and still is partially, but we’re working on it) that I felt not good enough, not only because of the way I looked, but because it felt like I had been thrown away by someone I had loved. It is now time to let God into those spaces, so that He can restore what once was in the carefree little Katie.

I am left with empathy beyond imagination of those who feel they are also not good enough. The lie that seems to reign over every person in some aspect of their life. This had been the first time I felt my identity had been attacked… and had completely crumbled under the pressure. I am forced to look to my Creator, every single day, in order to ask Him how He sees me. To receive the love and grace He has freely given me, so that I may understand the beauty He finds in His child. He used me having to relinquish my control over my eating and exercise to remind me of where I am grounded, and where I should remain. That I should put all my trust in Him, who has perfect control and who knows better than we think we do.

I have now also realised that this is going to be a lifetime surrender of control and constant battle that needs Jesus’ reassurance. God is not only restoring my physical body, but my entire heart posture and mindset. My prayer is that this snippet of vulnerability invites you to ask God how He sees His beloved, and to invite Him into every aspect of your life where desire for control is ruling over true surrender and desire for Him.

“And because you are sons, God has sent forth the spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, “Abba, Father!” Therefore you are no longer a slave but a son, and if a son, then an heir of God through Christ.” – Galations 4:6-7